Holiday, Girls, School and Dream about D

Yesterday I was in travel agency and I booked my flight to some island for the summer. I will go to some island in Europe. Well, never mind that, I’m going at that island with some friends and I will use that time to relax, to find out am I gay or bi or sraight or I don’t know what :) I’m going to go there somewhere at the end of July and the beginning of August and I’ll be on island for about 10 days. Can't wait. Simply, I feel that it will be awesome time... :)))

I god A on biology test and I’m finish with biology, I won’t have biology never again in my life :( cause soon the high school will be over. I also got A on first part of test in philosophy, the second part is somewhere in May. But I like philosophy, so that’s not a problem.

Soon, as I said, I’ll finish school and went to university, I already applied for one, and I will have enrolling test somewhere in June, so I will know will I be there or somewhere else. I can’t wait. I’m bit sad, cause I won’t see my classmates so often as now, but what can I do, that’s life. I will do my best to stay in contact with few of them, the ones who means a lot to me. If it is/was true friendship, it will last, in other way, it won’t and I must accept that as it is. Life is sometimes hard, but what the hack. I’m always optimistic :)

Now, about sexuality part. I’ve noticed that I’m right now in some straight phase. I notice girls more than boys right now, and the most surprising part is that I think that I feel something about my classmate (girl classmate). I had never watched her on that way, but now, I don’t know is it because of that we are leaving, or I don’t know what else, but she looks kinda cute to me. We were together for one time, but it was one night thing only and it was while we were drunk at some party, but I must admit that from that night, I didn’t look at her on the same way. We are quite good friends, and we even make jokes about that night, but something is different and I can feel that she feels the same, or maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see. I think that we will stay in touch after school, and who knows, maybe we will even be together. Maybe she will have some part in this blog, too. So let’s make her some fine name. Let’s call her… I don’t know… Dianna. I don’t know how I came out with this name, but it sounds cool :) :D

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. I had a dream about her last night. To be honest, I had several dreams just in one night o_0. It was really scary. First some nightmare, then some party dream where I even dreamed of D. And that mustn’t happen again, it simply can’t! And the weirdest thing of all is that he was in exaclly same shirt today as in my dream.

Thanks for reading,
H
P.S. Just to not make false facts, the picture from previous post is not my picture, it is just some wallpaper which I use sometimes for cell phone, and I send it in e-mail, to see if it works (e-mail and picture posting). And it works… :)

Back In School

Just small mobile update from my bedroom, next to my biology and philosophy books :) Yes, I'm back in school, we were on some short holiday... Today nothing special happened, i've just booked my flight for summer holiday, but I will write more about that when I sit on my computer, and because I need to study two subjects from above, that will be probably tomorrow. Btw this is also a test e-mail for mobile blogging, to see if it works :D Cheers, Hypnos...

Messenger

I created new MSN account, well it's first account for this blog, I have my own one, but this is anonymous account. Add me if you want, I'll be there whenever I find some spare time and whenever I want to talk to you (of course if you add me)...

The MSN address is: Hypnos90@hotmail.com

I used AIM before but to be honest I don't like that program, so I think that I won't reinstall it again. So James, if you are reading this, and I hope that you do, I'd like to talk to you but on MSN if it's possible. I know that we were talking on AIM a lot, and we stopped cause I was thinking to stop with blogging and because I was too busy, but I'd like to renew our conversations and online friendship. :)

And I'd like to thank to Aek, who was always here to comment on my blog. (btw I've just added you to MSN).

Username: Hypnos

I've been thinking about my username which I use here (Hypnos). Does it sounds kinda weird, childish, stupid? What do you think? I'm thinking of changing it. Also if it is possible to change my URL for my blog, I'd like that too. What do you think and is this possible after all? I'd like to have some serious blog and serious blogname and mysterious name in the same time, and I just think that Hypnos is not so serious. But I don't know... What do you think?

Blogosphere

Hello! Officially I read about 19 blogs at the Internet, all considering gay stuff and gay lives and gay people and people similar to me. It feels kinda awesome because I don't feel alone, I knew that I wasn't alone, but this is an evidence that I needed a lot...

Here are some nice blog that I started to read lately.

Daily Dan - story very similar to D. and me story. Reading this like I'm reading my own thoughts and all stuff that I go through for D. But like I said D. is past tense :)

Mirrorboy - Amazing, interesting blog.

Call the Shots - Interesting blog about boy who is living in CA.

Recently, nothing special is happening with me. I have spring break from school and cause I'm senior, I can't go anywhere, because it ends at the end of this week and I must study hard for make my grades more better, cause in the summer time I'm going to apply for some university and I must have awesome marks.

Party, cuties and a DREAM

Party was nice, nothing special. There were a lot of my friends and I had a good time, but still nothing special. I was bit drunk and I must admit that I enjoyed a lot in that. Also I must admit one more thing. I love to dance with girls when I'm drunk, like that I don't watch boys so much, even dough there were a lot of hot boys. I love to party in my city, our city is very famous about that and the parties are just crazy. I finally unstressed myself after 3 months :) But as I said it was nothing special, there was too many people, very crowded, but as I said I was bit drunk so I didn't care :)

The next interesting thing happened yesterday while I was downtown. While traveling to the downtown by bus, I saw one hot guy and he stared at me a lot. I must admit that I was embarrassed a bit because it was uncomfortable, he stared a lot, I could feel his eyes on me, and I just notice that, I didn't have a time to stare at him back, because I'm acting straight, so I held my view down or outside the window. But he was really hot.

And then when I was coming back to the place where I live, I also saw another guy who also starred at me and after I took off the bus, I saw that he even turned his head to see me again o_0. He was also hot, even hotter that the first one, and I could even stare at him (of course, I stare when he was looking through the window). Two times in one day, in the time interval of something around 4 hours. WTF? I don't know did I had something on me or what. I was normal, like any other day when I go to the downtown. I was very surprised, and if I'm 'out' I could even date with this two guys. Well, the first one was bit skinny, but the second one was just perfect, but he was about 24-28 years old.

And now, when I went to bed and when I woke up, I was totally surprised by what I have dreamed. It was so real and the picture of dream isn't blur at all. I rememmber it all, even the details.

First, I went into some apartment and there I was at some gay party. I was invited, dunno by who. It was kinda weird and I know that I was so scared, cause I am still closeted, but I somehow knew that no one will recognize me, and I felt somehow invisible - I just watched party while sitting and drinking on some sofa. I didn't make out with anybody, but I watched some guys having sex in the bathroom, I think. OK that's bit blur :)

And then, I don't know how it happened (you know that happenings in dreams are fast, not so real and always confusing after you woke up, but while you dream, it seems completely normal). Ok, I don't know how it happened, but I think that some guy was killed (I didn't know who, I just noticed that everyone was running and screaming) and then police came in the blink of an eye. This was the moment which scared a shit in me. They put all the party people into one room and held some press-conference. So fast o_0... I somehow wasn't put into the room, I tried to go out but the police was on the front door and I was just thinking that this will be in newspaper, everyone will know that I was at some gay party and that I'm 'different', my life is over, what will my parents say, what will be with me. But still, one part of my body told me that it's not so bad. I don't know how, I wasn't SO scared, I was just scared for one moment. Maybe I was aware that I was dreaming. Then I took courage to ask the person who was leading in the press-conference. She was some blond woman from some TV show and I wasn't so surprised about her (well I was when I woke up)... And I asked: "Can I go home?" She simply said, while putting a hand over the microphone: "Of course you can" and nodded with her head. What is the chance that she will let someone go home and the murdered just happened? I was so happy that I can go home. When I was going to the front door, the police from the door was gone. And then the most surprising thing. Near the front door there was two of my friends from school, girl friends. They were not surprised for seeing me, they just went with me down stairs. I also felt fear for one moment, but after seeing them acting normal, I wasn't so scared. They didn't ask me anything and we went out of the building and I even know where that building was (in real life). It is somewhere in the city, near the center. We ran through the city and then, I don't know what happened, it's blurry and I don't know what was the moment when I woke up, but I know that I remembered a dream very well like you can see. I just can tell you that I was so relieved when I woke up and realize that it was only a dream.....

Mobile blogging and the party

I've just read all of my previous posts to keep a truck of what I have written until now and I decide to try something new with this blog, well it isn't so new, I used mobile blogging before. With mobile blogging I will make (I think) this blog more interesting and more up to date. And it's very easy, you just need to send message to some email address and that's all. The post will be published immediately. Amazing. But just for the record, I won't stop using computer, I will blog from mobile and from computer from now on.

Tonight I'm going to some party with some friends. Can't wait cause I didn't party for quite some time. This will be my first club party after 3 months of 'relaxing' :)

Thanks for reading. See ya tomorrow with updates from the party.

First post again :)

It's great to be back. I readded several blogs, which I were subscribed earlier, to my RSS feed and I feel really excited. I love to read all about other guys and it helps me a lot, I can't explain you how much. First because I feel accepted and not so different after all. Second because a lot of other guys is thinking like I do or think very similar.

I love to blog, but the reason why I don't keep this one up-to-date is because of my English. I need to think hard to write in English, but I hope that it will be better and better. The vocabulary is the main problem, not the grammar. But the point is that I'm improving it every day.

Just because of this reason please know that while I'm typing, maybe I didn't meant something that is written, or I didn't have words to say what I intended to say.

Oh, now I read my previous posts and I noticed that I never write what happened with my "love" with D.

Lol, D. is part of my past. He's so egocentric as I said in some post, he's jurk with all adjectives considering that word. I don't know why I liked him so much, he is sexy and cute but he's idiot.

I'm moving on... After him, like I said I was confused with my sexuality, cause I never tried anything with some boy and I asked myself: 'How can I know am I really gay or not?' When I watch porn or some nude pictures or even man bodies, they really turn me on, but the porns, the pictures and the bodies of girls does that too. That's why I categorize myself as bisexual, but after him I wasn't sure. I don't know was I blinded by him or what, but I felt gayer when I had crush on him. Now I feel more straighter :) (I don't even know does this adjective exist in English), and I'm not having crush on any girl right now. There're a lot of cuties around me, male and female, but nobody didn't attract me as I was attracted by D. YET! I'm opened for new challenges and for the new pain :) from boys and from girls :)...

You don't know how much I would like to try something out with some boy, just to be sure is it same as with girls. Maybe I will have chance during summer time, cause I'm going on some island with some friends. Well, that's small problem, cause no one knows about my sexuality, but I will try my best in hiding this potential adventure with some boy. It will be secret and with that fact it will be even more interesting :) I'm adventurer, just for the record.

In my life right now there's nothing special at all. It's all about school <_< and I'm senior year and I can't wait until I finish. I will probably be sad because of my friends, because the most part of my class goes to different universities and we won't see each other so often, but I think that I will continue to hang out with people who really means me a lot (true friends) although there's a fact that we are probably going to the different university.

Oh, yeah, the university. I should write about that more. But as I'm keeping my name and my residence as secret you will probably wait until I figure out what I can say and what I cannot to you and other readers. Why? Because I don't want to risk anything to be revealed to the persons who might know me in person. It's bit paranoid, but you can never know who is reading.
I don't really know why am I so secret and mysterious, but one of the reasons is fear of revealing. I really don't want that for now. I hope that you understand...

Thanks for reading :)

I'm back

Hello, everybody!

I'm back to blogging at this blog and I hope that you'll enjoy my new stories. I was going to stop blogging cause I felt confused about my bisexuality and about my 'different' side, but now I think that this is the best time for me to have blog and like that I'll break down this confusing.

Am I gay or bisexual or straight we'll see. For now, I'll hold to this blog and to your comments and to your support. Thanks to everybody who are writing to me and trying to help me understand what means 'to be different'...

That's all for now, for this returning post...

See you soon with some new fresh stories. :D

Music: Ronan Keating - Iris

As you may notice music is my life, I love to find songs that describe my situation and I love to listen to music (every single genre of music). I've found one more song which describes my situation (and just for the record situation is changing in past two-three weeks, you'll see in one of the next posts). Song is named "Iris" and I really can't see why. If anybody knows please explain me.

And Ronan Keating is one of my favourite singers, I first heard him on Eurovision Song Contest with the song "The Way You Make Me Feel". And he's cute guy, and he's also born near my birthday, so I like him even more :-)



Here are lyrics:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven
That I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
Cuz sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

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